life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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