I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
NoShamevember. You game?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
