My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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