Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
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