We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
