all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
