Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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