Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
