i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize