I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
