I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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