I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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