Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
