Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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