so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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