I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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