I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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