her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
