honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
