Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
