Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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