My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
