I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
