I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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