then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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