Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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