it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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