Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
