Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
