i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize