I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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