Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
