He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
