i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize