I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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