Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
