remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize