I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
