You're my little dorito
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
