so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
