im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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