What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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