i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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