I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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