Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
