i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
