i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize