Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
