i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Randomize
