I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
