Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
