A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
please don't ironically join a cult
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