i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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