I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize