Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
