If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dicks are not precious.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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