I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
