i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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