Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
