1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
