I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize