I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I need a beard to bite.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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