You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
