When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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